Does this saddle make me look fat? 
Paint ol’ buddy,  we need to talk.
I’m a little concerned about your weight.
Your belly is hanging over your back cinch.

I know you’re sensitive and all.  It’s been a long winter. I understand where you’re coming from.  I do. We are both at the same stage in life. You’re 11. I’m 11 in horse years.  Both fully midlife. The prime of life. I know it’s unfair. I just sprung it on you out of the blue, took a picture and put it on the Internet. It’s an unflattering camera angle.  I didn’t give you time to suck it in and stand up straight. Looks like you might even be getting a double chin.
Say what? I might want to take a look at my own self?
Yes, my last “therapist/new-age-guru” did teach me that when I find fault with someone to look at myself and say “I Am That“.  “What part of that do I possess?”  (Which I don’t practice, by the way) But if you insist.

OK, last Quarter Horse Show. You weren’t there. Remember you get excluded from Quarter Horse Shows because you are too pretty. I know.  This picture was taken when I wasn’t looking either.
 So? What’s your point?

Oh no!! I thought my chaps were holding my “excess” in like Spanks. Turns out I was wrong. Chaps are ….so not like Spanks at all.
@#$F)*?>M!!!
This must have been right before the buckle on my chaps gave way and I finished my run with my chaps flapping down around my knees. I believed they got hooked on my saddle horn. However, on closer inspection that appears to be geometrically impossible.

I guess I am That.  And That  is just so not how I see myself. (I cut my head off the photo to protect my own privacy) Now what? Well either some-woman needs to invent a real Chaps/Spanks combo
 -OR-
We enter a new reality show I just thought up called “Biggest Loser. Cowgirl Edition”.
Set in a 5 Star Resort/Dude Ranch in Colorado. A dozen or so of us Chubby Cowgirl Cougars and their Hefty Horses show up for a 6 week intensive boot-camp/spa experience. Our personal trainers are young, hot, PRCA Cowboys. They have to be dressed in full regalia at all times which consists of cowboy hats, starched shirts, wranglers, chaps, boots and spurs.  They have to call us “Ma’am” and they can never yell at us or make us cry. They lead us on 10 mile trail rides every day in the Rocky Mountains followed by spa treatments. Same dress code applies for our daily 4-hand massages. We never eat outside or standing up. (That’s a diet I can live with)

Or….. we could just both try to start expending more calories than we consume….over time.

Or…. we can orchestrate all future photo ops like they do for fat and pregnant people on TV. Just throw something large in  between us and the camera to hide it?  That could be exhausting and then maybe we will be expending more calories than we consume…..over time.
Love,  Cowgirl Red   aka Terah
P.S. If you never see a follow up to this post it means that  Hollywood did not call us and we are still trying to expend more than we consume…..over time.

P.S. S. I hope no one ever sneaks a camera into yoga class.




The glory days? Or trick photography?

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Comments

  1. Lisa at Greenbow says:

    Well, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing this time. I can so identify with you here. Ha.. Trick photography would not help me I don't think. tee hee… Thank goodness spring arrived or I would have had to do the diet before the Biggest Loser would even consider me. ha… If they ever invent those chaps I might invest too. (still laughing)

  2. pluckychickenheart says:

    Terah! You just gave me a much needed belly laugh. We are all THAT. Dammit. I'd join you at your Biggest Loser Cowgirl Camp. And I don't even ride. But with all those hawt cowboys I might…umm..learn. Mebbe… ;o)

    xoxo

  3. Peggie Arvidson says:

    Holy Crap Terah. I laughed OUT LOUD. and woke the dog — you know what they say about sleeping dogs….ahhh.

    I want to go to your camp too. I know my butt would be sore with all that trail riding, but it's so awesome!

    And yes, as Patti Digh says, "The new Diet: Eat Less, Move More" Ahhh. were it so easy.

  4. OMG! Still chuckling! I am way beyond even photo shop at this point. Like a pumpkin with legs! ROFL! You look skinny to me, girl! And Paint is such a beautiful horse. I can't find a thing wrong with her, either. :):)

  5. Cowgirl Red says:

    Thanks for reading and laughing. My Cowgirl Crew! We would have so much fun at Cowgirl Cougar Fat Camp together! Terah. Xoxo

  6. B @ Sweet Limes says:

    hahaha! Thanks for the laugh Terah. Good luck with Hollywood calling.

  7. Catherine says:

    Lol, love this post Terah, who wants to be a Hollywood stretched out lollipop girl or horse anyway… Girlies are supposed to have curves, just with age we curve a little more southwards and it makes us a whole lot more woman to handle… xxxx

  8. Love these horses. WOW!

  9. Lordy Pearl, girl! You made me lol so hard! Smooooooch!

Trackbacks

  1. […] vu moment.  We’ve been here before.  But, alas, Hollywood did not call when I pitched my “Biggest Looser.. Cowgirl Edition” to them.  Oh well, we’ll just do what most grown up Cowgirl’s do …. buy a bigger […]

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